The Fame Game

Getting a jump on wealth, sex, and celebrity

 
 
 
By Gabe Durán

ince I spend about 80 percent of my day fantasizing about being famous, it wasn’t much of a stretch to further imagine MySecretBoston begging me for my Celebrity Secrets. I would graciously oblige, because, like J Lo, I’ll never forget where I came from. Gabe from the Wealthiest-Town-in-All-White-New-Hampshire. I will also be a rapper in the future. In anticipation of how busy and sex-filled my life will be, I have prepared my answers now, while I don’t have so much going on. I imagine that the paparazzi will have caught me as I land at Logan in my private plane:

Gabriel Durán rose to fame on the back of his Academy Award and Nobel Peace Prize-winning original screenplay, Sex and the City vs. Predator. After creating the world’s coolest sport, jet-ski paintball, he went on to date that hot girl from the Bud Light commercial and wisely used his enormous wealth to reward those who had been nice to him and petulantly punish anyone who stood in his way. Today he takes a break from constructing a network of metropolitan zipline transit systems to answer some stupid questions.

Gabe, back when you earned a living filming high school girls play soccer, where were some of your favorite Boston hangouts?

My apartment. Don’t let my current glamorous, hedonistic lifestyle fool you. I hardly ever went out. I had an Internet connection and Assassins Creed 2. What else does a young boy full of raging hormones need?
 

The giant Citgo sign near Fenway. Bonus points for occasionally randomly catching fire.
 

The Field. Want to watch soccer with tons of other screaming fans? Go to Phoenix Landing. Want to watch sulkily by yourself, sip your beer in silence, and glare at two or three Irish people? The Field is the place for you. Also it has a wonderful kitchen that conveniently closes right when you get there.
 

The Pour House. This little paradise clocks in at a healthy 12 seconds that girls will let me talk to them before pretending to receive a phone call or macing me. That beats my citywide average by 13 seconds.
 

Mary Ann’s. Some bartenders look down on you for asking, “What’s your cheapest beer?” Especially if you follow it up with, “Never mind, I’ll just have water.” Not so at Mary Ann’s, where the beer is practically free and you shouldn’t drink the water.
 

Sissy K’s. Ever find yourself wondering where the hate-mongering neo-Nazi biker gangs have gone? Why, just ’round the bend to Sissy K’s! Secret tip: Don’t ask your Jewish friend why he never had a bar mitzvah when there’s a group of neo-Nazis sitting next to you.
 

Strange Brew. What makes “the Pride of New Hampshire” worth the drive to Manchester? I can personally attest that throwing up on the dance floor next to the band, while not strictly encouraged, is politely overlooked. Plus free popcorn!
 

Walden Pond. Great for those who prefer cold water, jagged roots, and dirt to sandy, sunny beaches.
 

I realize these lists usually have 10 items, but I can’t think of any more than nine. Maybe go to the Prudential Center. Whatever.