Radio Static

I don't care what kind of music you're into.

 
 
 
By Gabe Duran

veryone thinks the First Amendment is so great. That’s my first problem with everyone. The founding fathers, in addition to being seriously overrated, failed to realize that certain people would abuse this right to bore the shit out of everyone else. Now I’m going to say some controversial things. Certain subjects should be banned outright. Sociology, Jäger bombs, the gym, menstrual cycles, golf, siblings, and that weird dream you had last night about your old pet hamster, Cuddles, to name a few. Tampon commercials, should, obviously, be illegal.

The Bill of Rights’ most serious misuse, however, comes in the form of letting people talk about music. There is a culture-wide misapprehension that talking about music is acceptable. Compelling things, like how much money you make, how obnoxious hipsters are, or how many beers it would take to sleep with certain women are frowned upon, but not so the world’s most boring topic of discussion. Am I the only one who’s noticed that these conversations always go exactly the same way?

Person 1: Yeah, I’ve been really into [insert band here] right now.

Person 2: Oh. Well I’m more into, like, U2 [or equally terrible band] at the moment.

[Long silence]

Person 1: Oh, you know who else I love? [Obscure band no one has ever heard of]!

Person 2: Oh, yeah, they’re alright. Not quite as good as [band whose single I heard on the radio yesterday].

[Long silence]

Person 1: Agree to disagree then.

Person 2: Different strokes for different folks.

Person 1: I love the Strokes.

Naturally, I want to beat both these people to death with their iPads But this is an impulse that I generally resist. What’s even worse is when both people involved consider themselves music connoisseurs and—inevitably—get into an argument about whose taste in music is worse.

Pretentious Douche 1: Well, you just seem to like whatever is really [popular, trendy, chic, counter-culture] right now. I know quite a lot about music, so I prefer the bands that are actually talented like [a band I just made up].

Pretentious Douche 2 [adjusting neon plastic glasses]: Ah, but aren’t they really just ripping off [gibberish words]? Are they really innovating? I only like bands that push the medium of [new genre of music created yesterday] forward.

[Long pause]

PD1: My taste in music is good and yours is bad.

It’s to avoid conversations like these that I refuse to ever divulge what kind of music I like. Asking me what bands I enjoy is like playing the game You’re From Somewhere? I Know Someone Else From There!

So when people ask me what kind of music I like, it usually goes something like this:

Bad Conversationalist: Gabe, what bands are you digging right now?

Me: I mostly just listen to radio static.

Bad Conversationalist: Oh, yeah, I’ve heard of them.

[Door slamming as I leave the room]

I realize some misinformed people will disagree with certain parts of this argument. To them I can say only, You’re welcome. Now you can complain about this to each other and be temporarily less boring. Also, I hate you.

(I wanted to title this piece “Go Funk Yourself.” Can you believe someone’s already thought of that? Me either!)