Date Lines

Gabe's professional Boston dating secrets

 
 
 
By Gabe Durán

s a result of my celebrity guest appearance in the Globe‘s “Dinner’s With Cupid” column, I have been showered by the women of Boston with constructive thoughts and helpful observations. Such as, “I can’t imagine this poor woman having to spend an evening with him. No free dinner is worth the torture.” And, “[This] self-proclaimed ‘funny’ guy is one of the most obnoxious humans I’ve encountered in print.” This got me to thinking about how much people suck. But, more, it made me realize I need to share my witticisms and self-proclaimed funniness with a more open-minded readership. Or at least one that doesn’t have access to an online comments section. (Wait, it does?)

How was I able to incite the passions of dozens of Boston women? I just followed these simple steps, and you can too!

If, like me, you find the terms “first” and “only” to be interchangeable, then you’ll find the following list to be an indispensable guide to your next date or social function.

Always be on time. But accuse your date of being late. It’s good to make her feel guilty and defensive as soon as possible.
 

Girls love a guy who listens. What this actually means is that girls love to talk about themselves. Bring an iPod, because this can get quite boring.
 

Pull out her chair. It’s important to do this when she isn’t looking. Girls love guys with a good sense of humor.
 

Don’t talk about past relationships. A graphic, risque photo (or, even better, a video) is worth a thousand words. It’s important for her to know how much fun she could be having later.
 

Don’t order a salad. Girls find this wimpy and unappealing, like crying at the movies and voting. Instead, let her watch you karate-kick a cow to death. Girls love a guy who makes a great steak.
 

Identity theft is a problem. That’s one of many things you’ll be saying, as her, after you steal her identity.