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By Dan Forward
reetings, Students! Welcome back to Boston, the Athens of America, a city known for its legendary intellect and prodigious universities!
You may be asking yourself, what will this new semester bring? How will my classmates regard my life-changing experience as an intern at 7-Eleven? Does anyone even remember that I studied abroad in Canada last year? Does anyone remember me? And will I need to use www.collegepaperworld.com to help get through the next semester?
Fear not, young cosmonauts of the cerebral cortex, for I am here to quiet your fears on behalf of the people of Allston, or, as I like to call it, Boston’s Neighborhood of Dreams.
Our district has suffered its fair share of slings and arrows. We’ve been called dirty. We’ve been called noisy and unlivable. We’ve lived in the shadow of “family-friendly” neighborhoods filled with “responsible adults” for too long. But all that stops today.
I have a plan. Like an award-winning term paper finished an hour before the deadline, I will bring the sweet taste of success to all of our lips. (Sorry, it was not a term paper about the most effective use of metaphors.)
The plan, dear students, is as simple as positive thinking. Do your friends and family insist that your apartment is filthy and infested with rats? Well, they’re wrong. You’re conducting important scientific studies as a freelance researcher! You wouldn’t call Louis Pasteur’s laboratory “profoundly disturbing” or “emotionally scarring” if you saw a little mold, would you? This is practically the same thing!
Do you feel like a fool after waiting 45 minutes for the Green Line B train to arrive, so full to the brim you can’t get on? I sure hope not. Because you’re actually practicing one of the most difficult forms of transcendental meditation! I bet your Red Line friends won’t be laughing when you’re reincarnated as a unicorn that shoots fire out of its horn.
Are you frustrated that your neighbor is practicing electric guitar at 4 a.m.? How would you feel if I told you studies have shown that too much sleep can actually result in sudden death? That unemployed young man is actually saving your life.
I’m glad we got to talk again, young scholars. You are the future and I’m proud you live in Allston. Welcome back!
Chris Duffy is host of You’re the Expert.