Legal Tender

Looking for love? Hire this lawyer.

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By Dan Forward

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re you single? Are you unlucky in love? Have you realized that it is now far too late to get a date for Valentine’s Day unless you want to adopt another cat from the shelter? Well, then, you need to call me, Dan Forward, the Love Lawyer. Through my unique combination of complex, aggressive, and humiliating litigation and identity theft, I’ll get you the affection that’s rightfully yours, and that’s that. [Note: Dan Forward is not licensed to practice the law of love in this or any other state.]

Here, take this free sample as part of the wide range of services the Love Lawyer can provide. How many times have you dated someone seriously for an extended period of time, only to find that an un-bargained-for aspect of your relationship has driven a stake into the heart of your bliss? With this Relationship Term Sheet that Dan Forward forced upon videogame playing hottie Olivia Munn when he briefly dated her, you’ll never go into a romantic partnership from a position of inferior negotiating power again. As always, Dan Forward’s motto is, “I know it’s love when I have complete control.”

OFFER OF COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP TERM SHEET

The Committed Relationship Agreement shall be fully documented in a formal agreement to be signed by both parties. However, the following term sheet will be fully binding upon Dan Forward upon its acceptance by Olivia Munn.

Title: As Girlfriend and Chief Amorous Officer

Salary: $500 annually to be paid in jewelry, perfume, meals, and entertainment as well as undivided attention in the form of one to one half hours daily, effective as soon as Ms. Munn says, “Yes of course I will be your girlfriend,” or, “You’ve made me the happiest girl on earth,” or some phrase of similar import.

Bonus: A puppy in a box under the Christmas tree on or around December 25 of each year. Breed of puppy to be determined by Dan Forward and tied to the same performance criteria as those of past girlfriends, as well as additional stuffed animals based on certain key goals, such as foot massages performed on Dan Forward and dinners cooked for Dan Forward.

Non-compete: For a minimum of five years from the end of relationship with Dan Forward, Ms. Munn may not be in a committed relationship or even a casual fling with any friend, enemy, “frenemy,” or other competitor of Dan Forward, unless with the express written blessing of Dan Forward. A committed relationship is defined as a relationship between Ms. Munn and another individual or legal entity in which Ms. Munn or the other individual or legal entity would be forced by social convention to turn her Claddagh ring from the “heart-pointing-out” position to the “heart-pointing-in” position. A casual fling is defined as a situation as serious as or more serious than having two drinks at a bar or one drink at either party’s place of residence.

Term: The Committed Relationship Agreement with Ms. Munn shall be of indeterminate length except that it shall have a minimum of one month so that Dan Forward does not look like a fool for changing his relationship status on Facebook from “Single” to “In a Relationship” to “Single” too often.

Alone time: Ms. Munn avers that she understands that Dan Forward requires a significant amount of time to play Xbox, watch adorable owl videos on the Internet (cats are passé), and stare blankly at walls (hereafter collectively referred to as “chill out”), and that she will not interrupt Dan Forward’s attempts to chill out except in the case that Dan Forward exceeds the allotted time to chill out, which shall be two hours on any weekday on which the New York Stock Exchange is open for trading, four hours on any weekend day, and 12 hours on any holiday for which the New York Stock Exchange is closed for trading. Exceptions to the general rule shall be made on days that are generally considered “anniversaries,” such as the one-month anniversary, or the one-year anniversary, and on half or full birthdays of Ms. Munn.

Fidelity: Ms. Munn is expected to embody the highest level of fidelity to Dan Forward. This includes no physical contact with another individual or legal entity beyond a friendly hug, unless that individual or legal entity is a “close girlfriend” of Ms. Munn, or is part of Ms. Munn’s extended family. Ms. Munn will be permitted to examine in passing the musculature of any male individual or legal entity, provided that she follows up such examination with a statement such as, “He’s not as buff as you,” or, “His nose is funny,” or some phrase of similar import. Dan Forward shall be bound by the same requirements, except that he will be able to examine in passing the physical appearance of any female individual or legal entity, and will not be required to make a follow-up statement, if Ms. Munn does not catch him looking.

Breaching the fidelity requirements of this Agreement shall constitute a breach of the entire Agreement, and the non-breaching party shall have the right to terminate for a period of 180 days following discovery of the breach. If 180 days pass with no positive attempt to terminate, the non-breaching party will not be permitted to hold the breach over the head of the other party and should get over it.

Celebrity Fantasy Island Picks: Each partner to this Agreement shall be allowed three “Celebrity Fantasy Island Picks.” Celebrity Fantasy Island Picks shall be defined as individuals or legal entities commonly accorded some level of fame with whom each partner to this Agreement can have a casual fling (as defined above) without breach of this Agreement. Each partner to this agreement must choose his or her three Celebrity Fantasy Island Picks and notify the other partner in writing by registered mail or telefax of his or her choices.

Amendments to each partner’s list will be permitted only on the basis of whether or not a celebrity was recently on the cover of Maxim or GQ or was topless in a movie recently, and not just because a partner to this Agreement heard that the celebrity was in town and thinks he/she totally has a shot with the celebrity if he/she hangs around the front door of the celebrity’s hotel for long enough looking desperate.

Entered into this [DATE REDACTED]

Dan Forward, Chairman of the True Love Committee of the Board of Directors/>

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Dan Forward

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Mother of Dan Forward

Accepted by Olivia Munn effective this [DATE REDACTED]

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Olivia Munn

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