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King of Clubs

Gabe's 10 rules for nightlife success

coolPhoto: Susan Ogan

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By Gabe Durán

I

was at Tequila Rain the other night, and while I was bobbing hesitantly by the dance floor, shouting to some random guy about how much I loved the PlayStation game SSX Tricky, I got to thinking. Clubs can be intimidating places. How do you convey to women that you’re hot shit when your primary concern is the severe, permanent hearing loss you’re suffering?

Why, every day I have adoring fans come up to me asking for advice. And by advice, I mean money, and by fans, I mean homeless people. Well, don’t worry, folks. Just follow these 10 easy steps. If they don’t work, you aren’t very good looking, or maybe you should shower more:

1


Enter the club looking lost. Walk up and down with a confused, worried look on your face. This worked for me once.
 

2


Stand near the dance floor with 20 other guys and try not to look overly frightened and pathetic. Spend 30 minutes working up the courage to move on to Step 3.
 

3


Stare unblinkingly at every girl near you. Eventually one will reflexively return your stare. She can’t help it; it’s human nature. Move in for the kill.
 

4


Sidle/crabwalk up to her. Dance right next to her, but don’t look at her. Look vaguely off into the distance. You’re playing hard to get, you coy devil, you.
 

5


Introduce yourself. The music will make this very challenging. Shout your name as loud as you can right into her face until she understands. Illustrate with exaggerated hand motions and charades-style pantomime. If there isn’t a little spit on her face, you’re doing it wrong.
 

6


Ever so tentatively put a hand on her waist. Here she’ll look pissed off and move away.
 

7


Go get a beer. It will give you something to look at while you cry quietly in the corner.
 

8


Lose your nerve and leave the club. Start over at Step 1 somewhere else. (This is optional.)
 

9


Go home and watch Modern Family on Hulu.
 

10


Write about it for your humor column. Your eventual fame will make up for your social ineptitude, and you won’t need to go to clubs anymore, which suck anyway.