- CAPE COD
- MARTHA’S VINEYARD
By Dan Forward
News flash: Boston is in the running for the 2024 Summer Olympics.
To: International Olympic Committee or Current Resident
100 Olympic Way
Re: Boston’s Bid for the 2024 Summer Olympics
Hey, guys! Right off the bat here, I wanna just say, sweet job with those last Summer Olympics, in London. Seriously. Major props. Obvi I loved all of it, but if I had to pick my favorite parts, they would have been the surface-to-air missile launchers on the roofs of many city buildings, and the dressage competition. Prancing horses are one of my many weaknesses. But let’s get serious here. England was cool, but Boston is the future. We want some Olympics up in here, and by the end of this letter, you’re going to be begging us to let you hang your rings in whatever the cool new nickname for this city is. You ready? You’re about to be more pumped than Tunisian basketball sensation Mohamed Hadidane was after he got to shake the hand of professional basketball player and amateur adulterer Kobe Bryant following Tunisia’s 110-63 defeat at the hands of Team USA.
First off, the Olympics were actually invented not in Greece (seriously? Something invented in Greece? Right) but here in Boston 1770 by John Adams as the only fair way to settle the international argument over the Boston Massacre. What better way, then, to celebrate our history than by bringing the Games home? In a hotly contested trial by fire, the colonists managed to stave off their British counterparts to take home gold in such events as musket-vaulting, discus-weaving, and the pommel horse (and, back then, they used real horses).
I think we can all agree that technology is our destiny. Well, I’m looking into my crystal ball, IOC, and all I see is a big B, which either stands for Boston, or else it’s Big Mistake Hosting the Games Anywhere But Here. The audiences of today may be content with non-laser-guided javelins and swimmers who haven’t been cross-bred with manta rays, but the viewers of tomorrow are going to demand more. I write to you now from the cradle of innovation. Or if that’s actually Cambridge, then we don’t have any problem stealing what you need from over there to make everyone’s dreams of using plasma launchers at all the rifle events into a reality.
Is there any doubt that an Olympics is only as good as its Olympic stadium and village? Now I’m gonna be real with you and straight-up cop to the fact that Boston does not have a naturally occurring giant pterodactyl’s nest to hold the 2020 games like Beijing did, and we don’t have a prison with a 17.5-kilometer, 5,000-volt electric fence like London actually had (oh my God, what is wrong with them?). However, we do have some sort of structure near Kenmore that seems to have room and I don’t know what it’s usually used for beside outdoor winter college hockey games, and there’s, like, lights and stuff, so you could probably use that. And there are literally tens of square feet within the city that haven’t been developed yet. So don’t let anyone tell you there’s no room.
So this all sounds great, right? Hold up. I know what you’re thinking. “How much is this going to cost me?” Everyone’s trying to save a few moon bucks these days, or Olympic vouchers, or whatever you guys use. Boston understands that. We’re willing to put this whole shindig on for free, and we’ll take care of all the logistics. We only ask one thing: no condoms for the athletes. There’s been a lot of buzz around London’s games that 100,000 condoms were bought for the estimated* 7,000 to 7,500 athletes looking to medal in the 10-minute freestyle boogie. Is London crazy?! These are our genetic masters here. All Boston asks in exchange for its superior Olympian experience is a tithe in the form of outright ownership of 10 percent of the flock of biologically perfect spawn of the competitors. Imagine it: Hope Phelps. Usain May-Traynor. Venus Farah. That is a pre-made pantheon right there. These demigods will eventually serve as the vanguard of Boston’s army, which will—well, never mind. It’s still in the planning stages, so don’t worry about it. Not for a few decades. Winky face.
I know that Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Washington (good one!) have also put in bids to host in 2024. But have you considered that those places suck? I could go on about Boston, really. I could tell you about this city’s two movie theaters, the awesome local Groupon deals I get harassed with every day, or the time that the subway worked. But those are really things that you should experience yourself. I invite you to visit and stay at Mayor Walsh’s house. Just tell him I sent you.
A person who is definitely authorized to negotiate with you and make these kinds of promises so there’s no reason to go checking up on him
*Estimated by Ryan Lochte